Too Far.

There is no easy way to say this so Ill just go ahead and throw it out there: I am out of control and I have no idea how to get back to where I need to be.

Before you panic Ill say that its probably not nearly as bad as it sounds but I am ashamed of my behavior. I lost control drinking the other night. I dont really know what happened and I dont like that. This along with many other decisions I have made in the past few months has lead me to this conclusion.

I do not want to be a part of a culture that promotes that behavior and so I am stepping back and re-evaluating my life. Its disgusting to think that I had to be babysat and that I cant remember what I did. I do not like people like that, I do not want to be one of them, and I am making the decision not to be one.

What I need right now is stability and I dont have it. Im struggling with the adjustment to being in once place all the time and not being able to just walk away anymore.

It hard to shift from one life style to another and I know its going to take time. I feel like a teen again trying to figure out who I want to be and where I fit in everything.

So long story short: I need to apologize to a lot of people for my behavior and I intend to, very soon. I will no longer be consuming alcohol until I feel I have a handle on my life and actions.

In lighter news, I have been working on my cross stitch a lot. Its close to half finished. I should have it done in the next few weeks if all goes well!

Trey and I went to the movies the other day. We saw Where the Wild Things Are. I have to say that I was extremely disappointed! Aesthetically it was pleasing but other than that it was terrible!! Lack of story and a horrible message to children! The whole movies was pretty much about an abusive character who manipulates people and resorts to violence when he doesnt get his way and everyone is supposed to forgive and love him anyway! What the fuck kind of message is that for kids?!?!?! GRRR....

I have a job but it doesnt start until the end of the month. I need to figure out an income in the mean time but that shouldnt be too difficult!

New York is wonderful. I really like being here but Im eager to start school now. Im ready to be busy again with productive things not just killing time socializing.

Im losing a lot of weight but it seems to be healthy weight. Id be happy to keep the pounds I have but since that doesnt seems to be an option anymore......

So, I cant say how long Im going to keep this up. I feel strange keeping a blog now but if I feel inclined I will.....

Also, Ill have a camera again soon so if anything, youll get pictures.

"And You've Changed Some"

Its been a while. Over a month. Almost two....

Life is very different these days. I dont really know what else to say other than that. My days of travel are over and for now I am thankful.

What does life have in store for me? I have no idea. Well, thats not entirely true. I have a few ideas but we all know that that doesn't mean anything to me. Im still wanting to go to EMT school in January. That would be nice. I like learning skills. Ill travel again soon, dont doubt that for a second. But for now Im focused on settling into a life and nesting for a bit.

I like New York. It seems to suit me well. I am always busy here. Always. It seems that a day doesnt go by where I dont have a hundred things to do. Im comfortable with that because otherwise Im pretty sure Id be depressed.

But anyway, thats my life now. I live in Brooklyn. Im trying to find a place to live "long term" and I just got a job. I want a second job because I like being busy and because it wont pick up to full time until December.

So much has happened in the past two months and now Im drawing a blank and have nothing to talk about.....

Ive decided (again) what I want tattooed on my chest. Thats the big thing now, I guess. Once I have excess money lying around Id like to do that but that wont be for months. And Ill probably change my mind again before then. I have to help my mom pay for the whole staph infection thing and get settled here anyway.

Im picking up my camera from the shop tomorrow. I got it fixed so there should be pictures to come. Im considering doing the 365 project that tons of people are doing. I cant commit to every day though. I like once or twice a week better. Could be a good way to document my life now.

More than most other things Im thinking of and looking forward to nesting. Its silly, I know but I haven't been able to for so long! I want to have a kitchen stocked full of bulk foods: beans, lentils, rice, quinoa, nuts, dried fruit, oatmeal...etc. And to have another sour dough starter.... I keep thinking about how I want my room to look. Sparse. Just a bed, table, lamp, dresser and maybe a book shelf. Im over having stuff. My vice is clothing and I know this but outside of that, books and maybe a computer for convenience, I dont want or need anything. A good cross stitch is nice too though. (god, listen to me! Im like and old woman...ugh)

I havent been taking good care of myself lately. Stress does that to me. Ive been drinking far too much soya milk and today I finally noticed what it does to my body. Ive lost weight but my boob have gotten bigger because of the estrogen. Oops. Ill have to work on that. I like bigger boobs but not if its at the risk of being unhealthy.

Halloween was ok. I ended up dressed as a cultural stereotype and felt somewhat uncomfortable about that. I was supposed to be a mime because my original costume fell through. But it didnt work out and I just looked like a French girl. There are no photos to speak of. Sorry.

So thats life. Not terribly exciting.

I like this song. I always have.... Maybe you do too.