Sunday, May 24, 2009

My So Called Life

I have been having a really hard time lately organizing my thoughts and feelings and everything else into coherent communications. I'm stressed and I don't know why. I have this strange knot in my stomach that has been here for about a week now but I was ignoring it until today. I have been shaking a lot and a thought it was because I haven't been eating on a regular schedule but even when I eat, I shake.

Right now, I'm trying just be calm and not let things get to me. I have so many things to be happy about but I still have a little gray cloud following me around. Its like doom is looming in the distance... sigh. I'm not sure what my problem is.

But sometimes I just get like this and its nothing. I panic and worry and will probably have an ulcer in the next few years because of it. My grandpa always calls me a worry wart and Ive always hated it because its true. When I was really young, I would to get so pissed I would cry if he said it.

Ive been "working" on a lot of things as of late and so maybe its all just too much. I have a crazy temper at times and I have been trying my best to keep it in check. My short fuse for irritating and annoying people and things is getting in the way but I think Ive made some progress.

I'm trying not to let peoples involvement in my life, or lack there of, bother me. Reminding myself that the world doesn't revolve around me and not to take things personally is a constant battle. I am a terribly insecure and selfish person. I know this and I am trying not to be.

So now that you know all this personal shit about me and how I'm feeling about myself.... Ill tell you some other things in an organized list!

1. I like this method. I can talk about things without spending an hour writing and rewriting to make sure it flows and sounds good and so on.

2. The weather has finally improved! It was so warm today that I had to go buy shorts! Yes! I have legs again! I figured I should just buy a pair since both of my favorite shorts have been lost in shipping. I don't like them as much or at all really but they work and that's what matters. It was beautiful today and Im hoping it stays that was for the rest of the week. Some vitamin D would do me some good!

I also bought a new hoodie while I was getting shorts. It was time. My wonderful purple hoodie has served me well and I will have it sent home so that I can keep it and wear it again later. I just got a simple black hoodie this time. Nothing flashy since Im thinking I draw enough attention as it is.

It felt so good to have the sun on my skin again. Finally, summer is here!

3. Messy Rooms. I think I have a problem with keeping my space tidy. I have gone right back to being seven years old with all my toys and clothes everywhere!

This picture was taken just three hours after getting back to Prague. When I arrived, the room was clean.... I am so ashamed because it has only gotten worse since.

4.LOTR. Oh yeah! I started reading it! The book is way different from the movies, just sayin. I should have read it years ago but like everything else I was late to the game. Tomorrow I have plans to sit in the sunshine and read for hours. Nothing else. Eating, reading and napping. Fuck everything else. This will hopefully calm my nerves. By the way, its so good.

5. Remember this hair? Yeah, it came back for a few days but I think its leaving again.... Its for the best.

6. New tattoo. Umm.. So, dont kill me. Mom, Mamo, I know your not going to like it and will probably be really disappointed and I hate to break it to you this way but.... I have a new tattoo.

It is kind of on my face. Lets let that sink in for everyone and then we can talk about what it is and so on.

Its not like on my forehead...well yes it is but not really. Fuck. Ahh. Please don't be pissed at me. I really like it and I'm sure your going to tell me Ill regret it but I think its as cute as a face tattoo could be and its quite tasteful. I think.... Anyway. I don't want to post pictures now because it will be very different in a few weeks. Its really dark now because its fresh.... it will lighten up and when my hair grows back it will mostly be covered by that.

I can feel you getting mad right now.... Sorry?

7. Having a large ipod is a blessing and a curse. I keep fining that I have great music but I don't know its there until someone else shows me! So stupid. Someone looks as my ipod, tells me I have great taste in music and then I sarcastically make a comment like "oh yeah! I love that band. Ive known about them for years!"

I recall this happening in Asheville and Ian gave me a strange look because he knows I have no idea who the band was. I don't think I ever explained that I was joking.... haha. Oops.

8. Dates: Boys suck and rule at the same time.

I was asked out today. Haha. I think its funny more than anything but I still think people suck. Dude asked me to hangout, I agreed thinking it was a casual thing. He got pissed when he heard I had a partner. Hahahaha. I told him we were in an open relationship and that I was free to go hang out with anyone I like. But the guy was an asshole, and I really only wanted to look at him anyway, so when he got pissed I just laughed at him.

I know, I'm an asshole for a few reasons here. I was treating him like a trophy, but I'm sure he was doing the same so Ill justify it that way. And because laughing in someones face is just not nice.

A word of advice: don't laugh in the face of heavily tattooed and pierced guys you meet at tattoo conventions who are from Boston just after you tell them you have a boyfriend. It gets pretty ugly.... Hahahaha. He just yelled some, not at me, and got really red and wanted to punch something I'm sure. Hahahaha! What an agro douche bag. To top it off, when he realized what a fucking possessive bro he was being, he still wanted to hang out! Made my fucking day! :)

There was another date-ish situation too but its far less interesting and pretty much involves the same thing.... I should hang out at tattoo conventions more often! Hahahahaha! Yeah, right!

So thats that! I have friend dates all this week and I am excited about all of them. Im hoping to make more too but people are busy and I kind of want some "me" time too.

Jake is leaving for Thailand in just a few days and Im a little bummed about it because I wont get to talk to him at all until we arrive in India!

Its so strange to think that in just a few weeks Ill be in some crazy hot, humid forign country. Europe is one thing. Its like America with a twist. But India is going to be intense and really rad!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Im Grupmy! Grr!

Its now 12 hours after I made the video. I'm feeling better but exhausted. The photographer finally followed through and it seems we just missed each other. In retrospect my day doesn't sound that shitty but it was still a lot to deal with....

My plans are changing once again. I may be headed to Vienna on Monday and then Ill come back on Friday or Saturday.

Im too tired to think and none of this is actually important.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Silly Ladies of Brno

My life is crazy sometimes. Well, no, I take that back. My life is crazy all the time.

I should be in Istanbul right now. Im not exactly sure why Im not but thats not really the point.

There are/were a number of reasons for my postponement. I am, yet again, waiting for a package to arrive. This one shouldn't be lost, with any luck, and I will have it when I get back to Prague. Finding a place to stay in Turkey has also proved to be a problem. So, here I sit in Czech Republic with good friends and plenty of things to do!

I think most of you have seen the fart video by now. This is what I spend my time doing. It kind of silly and lame but its fun and I have a good time with it. Other than the fart video, I have digressed significantly in the past few days....

Example one:

Example two:


Other than that, not much has been happening. We went to dinner the other night and thats about it.

More goofy pictures:

Ill try to keep you updated on where the hell I am. Im headed back to Prague today for the tattoo convention. I might get tattooed again but Im not sure yet! And then I have no idea. It depends on Denisa and a few other things. I kind of want to go to Berlin but I still really want to see Turkey. I need to decide and fast!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Video Time!!!

So my mothers neighbor send me some pictures of the dogwood tree in their yard. I was really happy to get the email because I grew up adoring this tree. I wish there were more dogwoods here but Ill just have to settle for pictures.

I have made a video for all of you this time! Its a pain which is why I haven't made one earlier and I think I look like an idiot.... Hope you like it.

Sorry if my little story scares any of you. Im fine and please dont worry, even though I know you will.

Sorry I ramble so much and I dont look at the camera. Its something I do when Im thinking....

So after all that, enjoy!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A List of Thoughts and Events

1. Converge.
Jane Doe is better than No Heroes. But No Heroes is still better than You Fail Me. Once again, I'm stupidly late to the game but still enjoying it. Also, Neurosis is terrible. I don't care what you say. Its awful. Sorry guys. I know I just stepped on some toes.

2. PDA, Fuck off!
Wow. Practically fingering your girlf in the middle of a cafe is NOT cool. I'm all for people being happy and in love and all that crap but Jesus! Take it somewhere else! This is not the pot calling the kettle black either. I do not do that. I never have and I never will. Kissing a little is fine. Show a little affection, that's great! Do the stupid couple walk, what do I care (you look stupid as hell doing it because its not functional but whateves).

There is a time and place for things and rubbing each other to the point of climax in public is just rude!

We all get it that you two are a couple and that your madly in love but seriously? I don't want to hear you moaning or see your fucking boner from one meter away! If I wanted to be involved in you sex life, I would just ask! If you want me involved in your sex, then just ask!

And if this is your idea of a kinky time and get off on it, I have a news flash for you: THIS IS NOT CONSENSUAL! I DID NOT AGREE TO BEING A PART OF YOUR SEXY TIME! AND THEREFORE IT IS COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE AND NOT OK!

I finally left because it was too disturbing. Not hot, not entertaining, not cute or endearing...just fucking rude! All I wanted was to read in a quiet shop and have coffee.... I did not want a live sex show.

3.Holiday from my Vacation?
My mother has suggested something very interesting to me.... That instead of coming to visit me, I instead will fly home to her. She would buy a round trip ticket so that my worst fears couldn't come true (getting stuck there again both physically and emotionally).

I like this idea for a few reasons:
+ I would get to see my mom and Mamo without the stress of being on the road.
+ I could come home for a few weeks and relax and regroup.
+ I can have Brian work on my sleeve, depending on money of course.
+ Seeing my friends would be nice!
+ I could go to Seattle and see some people and hangout, maybe even SF for a few days.
+ I could shoot a sets with Issac and Cherry in either Seattle or Vancouver, BC.
+ Mmmm.... Vegan food.
+ Bikes!
+ Seeing Jake again!!!

There are other things I know. I'm just not thinking of them right now. The only thing is that I don't want to be there in the winter! If I go I want to go in the summer or early fall. Portland sucks in the winter. Everyone disappears.... So that means it would either be September/October or not again until April/May next year....

4. Offensive Sweater.
Im pretty sure Ive managed to offend some people with my sweater. I figured it would happen but now I kind of feel bad about it. Europeans aren't exactly sensitive to sexual images but today I had my jacket on so that it wouldn't draw too much attention. I think if I were in Portland, it wouldn't be a problem at all but maybe there are too many tourists here for an image such as this one. No one has said anything about it except I occasionally overhear, "did you see that girls sweater?!?"

5. Slut Economics.
I'm reading The Ethical Slut right now. Its pretty much repetitive and kind of reads like an informational kids book but it has some good points in it. Not to mention that it is full of super hippy dippy free love, tie dye bull shit....

One of these good points is the concept of economics. We, as a society, have this idea that there is only so much of everything to go around. Love, friendship, affection, compassion, intimacy. This isn't necessarily true and I'm starting redefine how I think of relationships and what I want from them because of it.

Maybe I'm starting to sound like a free loving hippy.... Shit!

6. Smarty Pantz/ Tooting My Own Horn.....
I got bored earlier and took a bunch of IQ tests. Apparently I'm really smart. Haha! Who would have thought?!?!

I did a bunch of them to cross check my scores and I average about 142. They are all scored differently though. One I got 115 and it said it was still above average, another I got over 150 and one that is all about shapes and images, I got 17 out of 20 correct.

I guess my father was a member of Mensa so he was a pretty sharp fellow, must have inherited it from him!

Now I really want to nerd out and study for the test and become a member too! I think it would be fun! Then I could go to meetings and have really deep, intellectual conversations with other people on my level... Hahahaha! No mostly I want to say that I'm a part of Mensa and to get the brain teasers every month! The meetings could be good too...

7. SG Sets.
Tomorrow I will shoot some new sets with a new photographer. I think were going to do two or three and just sit on them for a while. I'm looking forward to it because were going to try to do something a little different than before. He isn't staff but hes good so well have to wait and see what happens!

I'm still waiting to hear from DiazArri about the set we did together. I haven't seen any of the images but I know its going to look great! Like I said before, he could make a rotting corpse look sexy....

8. Every time I write "haha" I hear Nelson from The Simpsons....

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Birthday!

Yay! I love birthdays! I always have. I feel like there is something magical about them. I try to make other peoples birthdays feel special because I like the same in return. This year, some amazing people who barely know me, or just met me yesterday, made my birthday excellent! I couldn't have asked for more from these people!

I made myself a birthday cake last night! I was worried about how it would come out since i didn't measure anything, but it was fantastic! I'm going to try the recipe again at some point and change a few things, yet again, but I am very pleased with the out come! Its not exactly a traditional cake.... Im also pleased to have birthday cake, even if I made it for myself!

I started the day with an American style breakfast! Haha! I miss pancakes and potatoes! I made enough for everyone and we had a little party on the balcony! We all goofed around and talked about how bad American food is for you and had a great time! I really enjoy Ute and Alex. They are great as roommates and I like having them around.

Alex even played Happy Birthday on the French horn for me this morning!

Ute and Tom even brought me gifts which I thought was way too kind! Ute gave me some fancy German chocolate, a book, a giant heart sucker, a beautiful postcard and the biggest hug ever! And Tom and Lubich brought me a box with tea, candies, hot peppers, beer, a Czech juice that is half mint and half apple, and vegetables! So rad!

I spent a better part of the day after breakfast running around the city with them. We went to a warehouse workshop party where I met a few really great DIY kids and learned how to screen print (finally). I didn't have anything with me so I just used my purple hoodie! Now I have a naked woman tied and gagged on the back of my sweater! I really like it and think it looks hot but I don't know how people are going to react to it. Oh well.

After all of that we just went to a park and watched the sun set over the city. Quite a beautiful way to end a birthday. Ive eaten too much cake since I got home and should be going to bed but whateves.

Other than all of that, I had a few random thoughts today. The first is the most random and I cant figure out what my problem is.

So, at the party today, I was talking to a guy about tattoos. He was admiring my arm and was asking if I had more...whatever, typical small talk. But at some point I started talking about my 'latest ink' (hahahhaha. I sound like douche!)

I found myself having a hard time saying the word 'thighs.' It felt like dirty word and I kept thinking it was inappropriate. WTF? So stupid. It was like trying to say vagina when i was 10. I thought it might be because i was feeling bashful with this person but its a totally normal word and part of the body. I don't think Id ever have a hard time saying hand.... Whatever the reason, the language barrier saved me and I don't think he noticed I was being an idiot. hahah.

Another random thought: WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME SKITTLES ARE VEGAN IN THE US?!?!?!?! I finally found them in France, got all excited to send them home to people and then I find out that its pointless because they can just go buy them! Ugh. Have fun people! Its good news! But now I have 10 bags in my pack and no one to send them to! Guess Ill just have to eat them?

Thanks to everyone who remembered and wished me a happpy day! Its nice to know that people still remember my birthday when Im half way around the world....


For Birthdays!!

Thursday, May 7, 2009


Right, so remember I said the guy at the embassy was kind of an asshole? Well, he is and an even bigger one than I thought. He told me to pick up my visa and passport on Thursday but didnt say which one. I got all the way there today to get it and it wont be ready for another week! Some kind of problem with my information and my signature... Such bull shit.

Anyway every thing happens for a reason right? So I cant leave the country. Im pretty sure I can leave the city but Ill have to check. Oh yeah. Ill be here for my birthday, although, Im not sure what that means.

On another note, Mikita let me take music today. He has introduced me to a band that I am now in love with. Hahaha. Im always so late to the game. Anyway, I like it and thought I would share with you. The video sucks because music videos always do but the song is good.

I take back what I said about music videos because this one rules! I still really want to learn the moves for this.... you know you want to too!

hahahahahaha! Yes!

Anyway. Im almost releived I am staying for another week. Im comfortable here. I like the people Im staying with and I think it will be a good week or relaxation and making plans!

"all the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies! Now put your hands up! Oh oh oh oh oh oh. If you like then you shoulda put a ring on it...."

God I need a life!


So I should be off to Istanbul tomorrow morning. You would think that I would be more excited about it because I have wanted to go for some time but I'm not. I'm tired and bored and nervous about heading East. Not to mention its 36 hours on a bus.

I know this is all part of my process. I do it every time and I should stop over thinking everything and just go with it but I don't.

Yesterday I went to the Indian Embassy to apply for my visa. Im a little nervous because I couldn't complete the application properly.

Occupation? Ummm..... Traveler? Self Employed Panty Seller? Stripper? Not sure whats going to look worse on the application....

Father's Name and Address? Hhmmm.... Well, I know his name but I think he is either dead or living on the streets of LA.... Im not sure thats what your looking for.

References in India? Well, I don't know anyone there. How can I have references if Ive never been?

The guy was a jerk to me but he was a jerk to everyone so I dont take it personally. I'm just scared of being denied. Ill be pissed if it cost me 2400kc to have them say no.

Ill go back today to see the result. Lets all cross our fingers and hope that I wont be left to figure something else out.
Maybe I will just stay in Europe and get married and settle for a while.... hahahaha! The thought both excites and terrifies me.

Other than that, Im getting all emo about my birthday. Its on Sunday and feel old and like Im running out of life. My body image issues aren't going away and if you remember a few posts back I asked for some crazy illness to come and make me loose all the weight Ive gained...yeah, well thats happening.

I actually have a theory about body image issues. If your never naked, and you never see your body in its natural state, of course your not going to like it! I have seen myself naked for only a few moments here and there in the past few months so now I think it looks odd. You know? It like never wearing a dress or always wearing makeup. I think I look funny in a dress but thats because I never wear them. I used to wear makeup all the time and thought I looked funny without it. Now I think I look best, or at least exactly the same, without it.

So anyway. Things are still good. I am happy even if it doesnt sound like it.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Yep. Pictures.

I would rather be eating right now, honestly. But I would always rather be eating so I guess that isnt saying much.

First are pictures from my last night in Paris with the guys. They think I brush my teeth too much but took pictures anyway...

There are a few from Prague. I havent taken many pictures even though I have been trying.... Its this strange problem I have. Anyway, its a beautiful city and I like it here a lot but its turned cold and rainy so I dont want to go anywhere.

I some how managed to give myelf a little bit of a black eye. This happens to me a lot and Im not sure why but its usually around for only one or two day and then it goes away. The strange part is that it is only one eye that does it.... I tried to get a better picture but the camera battery died.

And last but not least, my legs and Denisa!