Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Possibly TMI,

This time of year always has me thinking of death. In the last few years my dad as well as my aunt and an uncle (not my real aunt, but still like one) have died. Totally unexpectedly.

My mother spent years trying to tell me to make things right with my dad but I never did. I couldn't. It seems to me now that I probably should have but what seems right now isn't always what should have been.

With "the holidays" looming in the near future I find myself thinking a lot about family and what it really means. My friends are my family. I don't come from one of those families that is really close. Really it seems that if we weren't all tied together by some social structure, no one would actually talk to each other (this excludes my mother and grandmother). I get the feeling that none of them like each other very much but continue to go through the motions because its the "right" thing to do.

My dad wasn't really someone I would call family toward the end. The last six years, in fact. I didn't refer to him as my dad in that time and couldn't have cared less about him then. Now, years after his death, I have found a sort of peace with the relationship I had with him. I will call him my dad now because when he wasn't on drugs, that is what he was.

People often ask if we were close when I say that he is dead. A word of advise to everyone, don't ask people that. How close I was to him when he died doesn't really change the way I felt about his death. It still sucks sometimes. Mostly this time of year. I start to think a lot about my own mortality and how I will leave people behind.

Its easier to say that I don't want to burn bridges and hold grudges now that I am a little older and have experienced never making amends. It is not something I think I will do again.

My aunt also died around this time last year. I remember the message my mother left on my phone. I was sitting at my desk at work when I heard it. It is never easy to hear. I went home early from work that day. Actually, I think it was almost one year to the day....

The one thing I always seem to remember about people when they die, better than anything else, is their laugh. I have no real memories of my dad. I have memories where I know he must have been there too but nothing specific about him, except for his laugh. Diane's laugh was one no one could miss or forget.

I know this entry is a little different from the rest but its something I have spent a lot of time thinging about. More than anything it helps keep the bad things in perspective. I may have been friend dumped, had a wheel stolen (more on that later) but it could always be worse.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Missing Pants, Getting Dumped, Too Much Ice Cream

Saturday, October 25th

Fox did laundry the night before. My pants were in the wash but in the morning when I went to put my stuff in my bag they were still wet. We put them back in the dryer.
After a few hours I needed to go and seemed to forget my pants. It was warm so I wore shorts and didn't think twice about it.

I met up with Sam the girl to hangout and say goodbye before she went back to Seattle. I ate the best burrito of my life, this is one that could make me change my mind on Mexican food, at Delores Park with Sam and her friends. It was all fine and dandy but as it got dark it started to get cold. I was calling around for my pants but no one would answer or knew where they were!

I decided to go with Sam and Ken to the top of Bernal Heights for ice cream at Maggie Mudd's. The climb kept my legs warm and it was rather enjoyable. I like climbing hills more at night. It sounds stupid but its true.

After ice cream, I got a call from Liz inviting me to some parties. I rode to her house and hung out. We drank expensive whiskey and sat around. I decided to go find my pants at Dave's if we were going to be out all night.

When I got there, my pants were still no where to be found. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!

I just want my pants. What a silly thing to loose too. Who does that?

After an hour of sitting and searching at Dave's I got frustrated and skipped the party to go home.

Sunday, October 26th.

I woke up to go on Fox's birthday walk but I couldn't get a hold of him and wasn't about to wear a skirt across town to not go.

Dave finally called and said he had my pants. They were at the house the whole time but Fox had gotten stoned and accidentally hid them. Cool. I rode as fast as I could to get them and start my day. It was chilly out and I get cold easily.

When I got to the house, Fox was there with my pants. He wouldn't let me go inside to change into them. Jerk. Then it began.

I got dumped. Like Friend Dumped. It was lame. I thought I had made a friend. We hung out a lot and had good times. But apparently he doesn't even like me as a person. He was just attracted to me and it would be dishonest to continue a friendship. Fair enough. At least it was honest. I was just confused because Fox has a way of talking in circles and saying two opposite things at once.

What eves. I was somewhat insulted and frustrated when I left but after thinking about it I realized I have dealt with some shit in my life. This is a tiny bump in the road compared to the devastating news I have heard in the last few years. I was bummed but only for a little while. I will admit I am still confused.

I have never been dumped. By a boyfriend or otherwise. I have always been the dumper and I have to say, having someone tell you they don't like you, for whatever reason and whatever relationship, sucks. Its rough to hear when you thought you were friends. I have a lot more empathy for the people I have dumped now. I am sure the feelings I was experiencing are nothing compared to a girlfriend coming home and saying you suck and she is leaving. I have been an ass hole. I had it coming.

I rode back up to Bernal Heights for ice cream because that always makes me feel better. I ate another Mini Waffle. Sooo Goood! I talked to Jake for a long while and he made me feel better too.

Walking around The Mission, I decided to go get coffee and read at Philz. I ended up drinking tea and sewing hearts onto my sweater. It was an extremely soothing task. Like meditation but I can actually do it because I don't feel unproductive.

After all of that, I went to Whole Foods. I needed to pick up some antibacterial ointment because the cut on my hand is infected.
I thought it was getting better but I woke up with it all crusty with bright yellow puss. It was also really red and swollen. I could pop it like a zit. Gross.

I ran into PJ at the store and we sat around and talked while he was on his break.

Monday, October 27th.

Oh Yay! My first day at The Gold Club!
I thought it was going to be great.... No. It was a really slow day. Its not a stage club and I was "the tattooed girl." It will take a little adjustment. I work again on Thursday and Friday. Then I leave town, so I better make a few hundred both days to make it worth my time.

It was a long day. I had forgotten how much energy it takes to work all day at the club. It was nice to be back to it but still stressful for my body.

That was pretty much my day. I talked to Phil on the phone and stole jelly beans from whole foods.

At like 10:30 I went to PJ's house, officially called "The Dude Mansion." We drank pumpkin beer and I met his roommates and that was the night. We just listened to records and swapped stories. His roomies are crazy, but I like them.

I was exhausted from work so I went home early and slept hard.


Saturday, October 25, 2008

What Could Go Wrong?

Thursday, October 23rd.

I slept most of the day. I kind of miss the Hampshire house just for the fact that i was up early everyday. I couldn't sleep until noon or later in that house. No matter how tired I was. Now, its quiet and dark and cool. And I have a bed to sleep in.

After that late night of drinking and dancing my body needed rest. I tried getting up a few times but I always ended up asleep again. So I wasted most of my day.

When I did finally decide to do something, I think it was the wrong thing. Or maybe a good thing but really yucky.... To explain, I went to Brain Wash. I just wanted some coffee and to use the internet for a few. While I was there I ran into this guy I had met at the Hella Hipster Party. Ewww. This guy, Kelly Birdich, is the sleaziest, grossest guy I have ever encountered. But I didn't know this when I decided to sit down with him and a bunch of his friends.

His friends aren't bad, and honestly, I am a friend whore. I like meeting new people and will put up with a little bull shit in the hopes of making friends with someone they hang out with. Matt is a cool guy. Kelly is just down right shady, cutty even.

As it turns out he was asking everyone around town, Bike Sam, Bike Katy, Fox, for my phone number. Ewww. Thankfully no one gave it out. I think Fox even laughed at him when he asked. Good boy, Fox.

Anyway, Kelly kept bugging me to go out drinking with them that night. I wasn't having any of it. I went home and made dinner. If there were ever a guy who would slip some shit into your drink and take advantage, I'm pretty sure its this guy.

I went home and made dinner and danced around the studio for a while. It was all great fun! I like to dance. Maybe too much since I can have a dance party anywhere, anytime.

A weird thing happened to me that night too. Weird things have been happening a lot lately....
Fox called.
I get really shitty reception in the apartment so I went outside. I wasn't dressed in any way that would draw attention. I wasn't doing anything to make myself noticed.
I was just talking to Fox and this guy walked by. Just a regular guy, nothing noticeable. He walked past all normal then a block away he tuned around.
He came right up to me and asked if I was talking to my boyfriend. I told him I was and he got all crazy about how lucky my boyf was and how beautiful I was and how he was lucky to have talked to me.

It was weird. I will never ever understand that interaction. What am I supposed to do with that?!?! Sure thing, guy. I'm great! Of course you think so!
I guess it was nice of him. Its nice to be complimented.
Fox just laughed at me the whole time. Jerk.

Friday, October 24th.

Holy crap it was a busy day! I was supposed to get up early to get ingredients for pie. Instead I wasted too much time showering and hadn't left myself with enough time to get to the store and back before my doctors appointment.

I ended up walking most of the way to my appointment. When I left the doctor, I rode to North Beach again for some auditions. I am addicted to money. I think I always have been. I just like having it. Knowing its there.

Anyway, I was hired at all the places I auditioned but didn't fill out any paperwork because I wanted to explore all my options. It took a few hours to get to all the different spots and weed through the places I want nothing to do with.

By the time I was finished in North Beach I was starving (and had run into three different people I know, separately). Since North Beach and Chinatown are just two blocks apart you can only guess where I went to get food. Eastern Bakery for Hum Bow!!! Mmm....

While I was sitting outside of the bakery eating another very strange thing happened. I was staring off into space or something, not paying attention when I heard a little kid yelling in front of me. It was a little Chinese baby, but he could walk. He was pulling his grandmother as hard as he could in my direction. His smile was huge. When he reached me, he just looked up at me smiling, threw his arms around my knees and hugged my legs as hard as he could. It was kind of cute. I definitely did not want to kick him. Then he kissed my knee and smiled some more and ran off.

Fucking weird.

Not to mention that about an hour later I was gushing blood from my nose. I don't know what did it but I had the worst nose bleed I have ever had. It felt shitty and I had to search for a bathroom to wash the blood from my face, chest, hands and it had dripped onto my legs. Sexy. I'm sure I was one hell of a sight to see.

I felt like crap after I cleaned up and was walking through the financial district and ran into Fox. He had rushed into a building so I left a Happy Birthday note on his bike. He caught me as I was walking away and we talked for a moment. I felt better after that and went on my way. I was going to go back to the house and skip everything else I had planned to do but for some reason, I just decided to go into one last club on a whim.

It turns out I have a job at The Top Gentleman's Club in San Francisco. I start Monday and will work for a week to see how it goes (meaning, Ill work for a week for extra cash and then head for Las Vegas). Its good to know that I am skilled enough and attractive enough, with the tattoos, to be hired pretty much anywhere.

By the time I finished at The Gold Club, it was getting late. I had to rush home but before I could get there, Fox called. I went straight to the store for blueberry pie ingredients and took them to Dave's. I changed there and drank a beer while we waited to meet everyone at the Phone Booth. We were the first to arrive and waited at the bar. Finally everyone showed up. I bought Fox shots of Ouzo. At some point we all made our way over to 222 Hyde, a shitty bar in the Tenderloin. I realized I didn't have my ID. Oops. Its gone. I rode all the way back to the Phone Booth, nothing. So I stopped at the house and got my passport. And then back to 222.

There was dancing and lots of drinking and all of the wonderful people I have met through the Hampshire house. It was a lot of fun. I danced with Katy and Fox and Liz until it hurt and I was soaked with sweat.

As we were leaving the bar at what must have been 2, I realized I had a flat, didn't have my bag and was really far from where we were going... Shit. Luckily Fox is always around and prepared. He had everything we needed and changed the tube for me while I was supposed to be taking notes on what to do in the future. I was too drunk to do either properly.

We got home to Dave's. The gate was broken and we couldn't get in. Dave had to come down and kick the gate open to let us in.

I made birthday pie with Fox and Dave. It was way too late/early to be making pie and drinking more beer and whiskey but we did it anyway and it was the shittiest pie ever. They ate it and liked it though. I think we pulled the pie out of the oven at 6am.

I woke up this morning with blueberry pie dried on my arms, dripping with sweat, in my shorts and one of Dave's shirts and Fox sleeping on my stomach. Everyone else was piled up in really awkward puddles around the room. It was like we all decided to sleep on each other the night before. No one just ends up that way.

Holy shit. That is a lot for just two days. All the gruesome details make up for the lack of details from the last post. Somewhere in there I also started writing another story. My life is insane. You have no idea.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I dont have much time....

I dont have much time to write this time so I am going to make it short and sweet while still trying to make it interesting. To be honest I see this as a chore but I know you like reading it and I probably will too later in life.

Monday, October 20th.

I slept in too late. I went out with my new roomie, Josh, to a friends birthday party the night before. We didnt get back to the house until 4am.

The day centered around cleaning. Mallory is wonderful for letting me stay but her house is gross. There was dried dog piss and petrified dog shit all over the house. I spent a good portion of the day cleaning all of that up, showering and doing laundry at Brain Wash. I had run into Bike Katy and Becky there and we drank tons of coffee and laughed about how gross it was.

It nice to have a real bed to sleep in. I washed the sheets and blankets so I dont have to sleep in my sleeping bag anymore.

Tuesday, October 21st.

I tried to go grocery shopping. Did you know that Trader Joes sucks? I do now. Its like a grocery store that doesnt have any food.... I had to walk to the Whole Foods for the rest of the stuff I wanted.

I ran into Sam the boy while I was there. He hurt his knee and has been driving around. We were going to go the the beach but went to meet his friend Kyle in the Castro instead. From there we made our way down to Delores Park. Nothing too exciting happened while we were there. Nothing ever does.

I found my halloween costume at a thrift store we went to. Im really excited about it. I am going to be Molly Ringwald per The Breakfast Club. So good.

We ate indian food and I felt like I was baby sitting four 12 year old boys, so I went home.

Fox called and wanted to go eat some where. Doesn't "Goood Fricken Chicken" sound like Soul food? No Middle Eastern food right!?!? I ate too much hummus and found out I dont like that eggplant shit.

Fox and I decided to make apple pie that night. In our underwear. It was so much fun. And one of the best pies I have made so far.

Wednesday, October 22nd.

I had to steal a skirt from American Apparel for Fox's Birthday walk on Sunday. Who would have though that he could get me into a skirt.... Im not thrilled about it but I will survive. I spent most of the day in Delores park eating junk food and reading.

Josh called me and wanted to make dinner that night. Instead of dinner we drank wine and went out to Benders. It was Whisky Wednesday. $5 for a large shot and a beer. Josh was buying and I got drunk. Oops. Not what I had planned for the night. We ended up at Delerium where they were having soul night. Josh and I danced our asses off. He is a pretty good dancer. I guess every Wednesday is soul night. I'll just go to listen to good music if I can...

Anyway. Thats my life. There are many details I am leaving out but I have one minute left on my card and have to run.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Hella Hipster Party: Part II

Thursday, October 16th.

Another day that I was awake way too early. I haven't been getting much sleep lately. But I wake up to everyone getting ready for the day and want to start too. I got up and made breakfast with Fox and yet another Sam. Sam is an ex-straightedge kid, rookie messenger. I like him. He is sweet.

It was Sam's birthday so I agreed to hangout with him for a bit. We did a lot of sitting around in the morning before heading out to Brain Wash. Its a cafe on Folsom that is a laundromat in the back. A pretty hip, messenger hangout. I think its funny.

I was running late for my Dr. appointment and had to haul ass across town to get there in time. It was really warm and I was gross with sweat when I got there. I decided to go to North Beach after my appointment. I had to stop on the side of the road and fix my breaks on my way. And while I was doing that Becky rode by. We talked for a few but she needed to make a delivery so she took off.

I got hungry and bored and went to Chinatown for cheap hum bow and reading in the park. Fox and I talked and agreed to meet at Brain Wash when he got off. I got there early and talked to some crazy, queeny guy there to do stand up comedy. I drank too much coffee and ended up meeting Fox at 16th and Valencia.

It was Ken's birthday that day too so I had to run out to Oakland. His birthday party was quiet but fun. I saw Kyra and Kate again and invited them to the Hella Hipster party. I drank hot toddies and ate too much ice cream.

When I got back to the city I wrote a short story. Its very short but I think its good. I think alcohol helps. It all came naturally and I didn't over think what I was putting down.

Friday, October 17th

Up at 7:30, again! Drank coffee with Bike Katy and Becky at a cafe around the corner. Becky and I sat in front of the house for a while talking about the rediculousness of the elections and women's magazines.

I sat around for a while but things got really awkward when Tavi and Liz started arguing. Matchoo showed up just in time. I left with him and his friend John. We climbed Bernal Heights and drank beer and looked out at the city. I slipped while carrying my bike down the side of the hill. It was really stupid and we should have just ridden down the road. We went to a burger place and ate and I met the imfamous Evan. I rode with them back to Evan's house in Richmond. It was a fast ride. Matt and I left to meet Chas and Joe at the White Wall Gallery and then go to Hemlock. The Hemlock is a super hipster bar. We drank and they played pool and made fun of peoples clothes. I started to get a headache that only got worse as the night went on.

We went back to Chas' house and I was hungry and felt like shit. I started falling asleep on the couch but woke up when we went up to the roof. Then Jill got a call to go to a party on Folsom. We rode down there but it was a bar. The music sucked and I couldn't wait to leave. Matt left with me and when we got home we hung out on the porch. There was an extra person sleeping downstairs that night so Matt and I shared a couch. Sleeping next to someone was kind of nice but really it was just sweaty and kind of gross.

Saturday, October 18th

I had a terrible hangover from starting at 3pm the day before. I made pancakes and nursed myself back to health. Bike Katy and Fox ate with me but Fox was freaking out because the party was that night.

After everyone left I showered and groomed and got all clean in nice. I dont do it often so its extra nice when I do. Joe and Chas were going to the RedBull Boxcar races so I went along too. All the guys were there drinking and being rowdy. I got kind of pissed when some people next to me threw dirt and it hit me on accident. Matt thinks its funny when I get pissed.

I was supposed to go with them to Chas' place but on the way there I kind of dipped out. I just didn't want to be there anymore. Plus, Fox was in need of a helper for getting the house ready for the party.

I stopped and bought falafel on my way and talked to Jake. I ran into Sam the boy on the way and invited him to the party. The rest of the day was just hanging out with Fox and Dave hanging things and moving furniture.

The party was great. Some girl gave me the keys to her apartment to stay in for the next two weeks. I got trashed with Bike Katy and Fox. We danced, laughed, drank and compared bras. It was a wild night. And then I passed out. At like 2am. The party was still going until 5am but I missed it.

Sunday, October 19th.

I woke up in Dave's bed between him and Fox. We all had our clothes on, so get your mind out of the gutter. I spent the day napping and eating, trying to remember the evening and cleaning up.

I finally left the house at 5pm. And now I am about to pack up my stuff and move it to that girls house.

Thats my plan....

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Saturday, October 11th.

I sat around all day! I wasted almost the entire day doing absolutely nothing! I read a ton, did some dishes and snacked until almost 5pm.

There is something about spending a day at home that makes me feel very comfortable in the city. It was like a day of really living here. I spend so much time going out and doing things that it still feels very much like vacation. But spending the whole day just hanging out gave me the feeling of really living in a place. It was something I would do at home. This is beginning to feel like a home to me now.

Around 5pm I decided sitting around all day was for losers and since I had had a terrible night before (its really personal, and I don't want to put it in this...) I made my way out to Oakland to meet Ken. He always has a way of making me feel great. I could be feeling good but if I hangout with him, I feel great!

We sat around for 5hours at his house but I felt better about doing it there, I suppose because I was finally with other people. I ate left over tofu scramble and cookie dough ice cream and went home. I ended up staying up until 3am playing on the computer and trying to forget my troubles.

It was a good day lost in an air of green, moody funk.

Sunday, October 12th.

I did some more hanging out at home. I talked to my mom, it was her birthday, did laundry and went grocery shopping. It was beautiful out and one of the first days it was warm enough to wear my shorts. I still have legs. I almost forgot.

Monday, October 13th.

I seem to be getting up really early lately. It doesn't matter how late I go to bed, I am up and busying myself by 9am almost every day. I like the feeling of getting up early. My days seem fuller. That could be because I stay up until 1 or 2am and only get a few hours of sleep but what the hell...I'm young. Ill sleep when I am dead, right?

By 11am I had already had breakfast, hung out with house mates and cleaned the kitchen, I went to a doctors appointment and back and read another chapter of my book.

The book I am/was reading is called Indecent. Its a strippers tale of the sex industry. I have to say, I didn't like it at all. I stuck through it to the end but I couldn't get into how angry, hateful and miserable she always seemed to be. I like the industry. It has its drawbacks, of course, but you should at least like it if your going to do it for a decade of you life.

When I got back to the house, I hung out with Liz some more. We always have great discussions about sex work, relationships, school, life, everything. We make a great team at talking....

At 5:30 I had an audition to go to in North Beach. Fox had mentioned wanting to come meet me after and we decided on Chinese food. But when I finished and called him, he was being crazy, as usual, and couldn't come meet me. He was ranting about the crazy people in SF and how he was happy I liked it here but that I should know about all the crazies.

I got back to The Mission to meet up with Fox. He was still being crazy when I got back to the house but it was easier to deal with in person versus the phone. We decided to make apple pie with the evening. I ended up staying up until 2am waiting to take the pie out. Why does this always happen?

Tuesday, October 14th.

Mmmm!! Pie For Breakfast! The way it should be! I love having a house full of wonderful people wake up to pie. I feel like you just cant go wrong with pie. Its like edible love.

I spent the morning on the porch with Mattchoo (Matt). He is one of Jill's friends from Portland. I met him once or twice before I left. We talked about all sorts of things while he drank a tall can of Budweiser at 10am. I loved it. Couriers drink a lot, especially these kids.

I had a tattoo appointment in Oakland that day. I got stuck in the tunnel on BART on the way out there. It was really shitty and I felt claustrophobic trapped underground in a fucking metal worm.

When I got to the shop, they weren't prepared at all. A miscommunication. I had to find pictures of garlic to have him go off of . I finally got things together and we started. As I have stated before, people need to stop whining about how much tattoos hurt. Maybe I really am a pit-bull (long story if you dont get the reference). If it hurts that bad, stop getting tattooed. Anyway, I got a bulb of garlic tattooed on the top of my left foot. Its black and gray and I love it. I will post some pictures once it had healed a bit and isn't as dark.

I met Sam the girl for lunch at an Indian place in Berkley. I hate Berkley so much. It took what felt like forever for her to get there, I was just tired. We ate and I had to rush back to the city to make it for a training ride that way planned. I had myself so psyched up about this 40 mile ride and when I got to the house, it had been canceled. (The ride was going to be just over 40 miles from home to home. It was going to be five couriers, me and another guy who has done the ride a few times. Two of the couriers just took first and second in some big alleycat in the city. Something like 250 riders. And got the same two spots in another alleycat in Portland last weekend).

I ended up just reading for a long while and hanging out with Fox. We had a really intense discussion about, yes, yet again, sex work. Liz joined in and gave it a whole new dimension. It was a really good night.

Wednesday, October 15th.

I got up early and for some reason, felt compelled to make pancakes for the guys. Joe, Fox and Matt all sat at the table with me before work and we talked about bikes. I like bro time. I would rather spend a day with a bunch of nasty, drunken messengers than with a group of women any day. I can handle one or two ladies at at time but I will bro down for hours if I can.

At 11 I had to head to my last day of work at the lingerie shop. Ramon had gotten me a donut and coffee as a going away gift. It was really sweet. I drank the coffee and saved the donut.

Sam the boy stopped by for a minute. He hurt his knee recently and has been bummed out since. I don't blame him. We fucked around and made fun of people who walked by and then he had to go. I went back to my reading.

Fox came by and we went to the park for my lunch break. I had tried to give Sam the donut but he wouldn't take it because it wasn't vegan. I gave it to Fox instead. I don't know why I didn't think about food on my break, but I didn't. We sat in the park and he tried to make plans for his birthday.

I went back to work and finished my book. By the time I got off, I was so hungry I felt like shit and wanted to eat anything. I made the poor mans meal of rice and beans with a little tempeh. Once I ate, I felt a million times better. I started reading some of Hemingway's short stories but was interrupted by Katie's invitation to go to The Uptown with her. We went, I drank two beers and met some of her friends. It was amazing to see myself so sociable.

It was all I needed to snap myself out of my funk. We went home. I read some more drank this weird concoction of water, apple cider vinegar and honey. Its supposed to rehydrate you quickly. It actually not that bad. I thought it would be terrible but it wasn't at all. I read for some hours and finally went to bed at 2:30.

I will have pictures of my foot soon. Dont get your panties in a bunch.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Spontanious Combustion

I think I might explode with emotion. I can't really figure out what it is that I am so excited about but its driving me nuts! I have been overflowing with creative energy and random excitement for three days now.

There are so many things I want to work on but I don't know where to start! Many of the projects I want to work on are way too involved to actually make happen right now. I did start writing a short story the other day. I'm not really sure what it is about yet and I am sure it's not very good but I felt inspired to write.

I need a real notebook. One to write everything down in. Like a journal, but not sappy and filled with "secrets." The notebook I have is too small to really write down my ideas. I just use it for random shit/notes and I keep a log of my daily activities. Its just not enough anymore.

Aaahhh! Even just sitting here right now is too much! I want to read, bake, go dancing, ride my bike, sing, work, clean, pack, party, call people, play boggle, eat, laugh, write, anything right now. Its like being pulled in a million wonderful directions at once. I can't decide and don't want to. I can barely sit still.

I have been reading a lot the last few days. I thought it would help me settle down but it hasn't. I just start to feel more and more inspired.

Also, I want to add that I am having a really difficult time convincing myself to leave SF. I know, I know. It will be here later and I should continue my journey. Its not like I am never going to leave. There are just so many reasons to stay an extra couple of days. But if I do that then its just another few days for something else and then Halloween.

Here is the deal. Ken's birthday is Thursday the 16th. I promised him I would stay for that. We were talking about going to Santa Cruz together on Friday but we haven't decided anything. Saturday there is a big alleycat happening and the Hella Hipster Party is after. This is THE messenger race and party aparently. I know a lot of these people so it could be a lot of fun. Sunday is another allycat. One I might actually be able to do. Its a cupcake race. Eat a cupcake at every checkpoint to deduct minutes from your final time. I like the sound of that!

If I were to stay for the alleycat, I would leave Monday the 20th. I think I would have to skip Santa Cruz and go straight to Cambria. I am not terribly intrigued by SC but it could be fun and I do know a few kids there. That would only leave me a week for SC, Cambria and LA before I would need to get to Vegas. I want to work while I am there...this means I would need to stay for like two weeks, at least. My grandmother will be there Nov. 7th-10th. If I left on the 10th I would have about two weeks to get the the East coast for Thanksgiving.

Hmm... What to do.....

No One Belongs Here More Than You

Wednesday, October 8th.

Mornings in the Hampshire House are great. Everyone is usually around making breakfast together and getting ready for the day. I enjoy starting my days with a group of people who all really love each other. They smile and laugh and argue and make plans for the evening. If I ever live in a group house again, I want it to be like this one. I brought up the idea of bubble prints to people but Fox was the only one that would be around. We agreed that we would meet at the house around 8pm and be creative together.

Then I went to work.

At work I made the random decision to find out if my father is still alive and to see if I can find him. Many of you know that my Dad died a few years ago. My biological father is still alive somewhere, probably LA, and I intend to find him. Im not really sure what this will accomplish but I figure its worth a shot and I dont want to wait too long and always wonder about it later. So while at work I called my mom. I got Mark's information and called the social security offices. No luck. I will have to try again later.

I really have no idea where I got the notion to find this guy from. Its not like we will have anything to offer one another. I will get no closure or reassurance from this interaction. He will most likely be some crazy living on the street with no idea who he is, let alone who I am. Its a weird feeling seeking out this stranger I am connected to.

When I got home from work, Fox was already there. We worked on bubble prints for awhile but it wasn't working so we just started fucking with the paints. We ended up making some really amazing prints. I was extremely pleased with the outcome and we agreed to do a craft night again before I leave.

Our craft night was followed up with dinner and clean up. I made dinner and Fox cleaned up.

On a side note: Surprisingly enough, I have been doing some serious cooking. I have made a meal a day for the last week and they have all turned out relatively well. So maybe I am not such a bad cook after all....

To end the night, we decided to pop Fox's "Dirty Dancing cherry." He had never seen it before and Liz and I got so excited at the idea of watching it, it was on before Fox could protest.

Thursday, October 9th

My day at work was both weird and productive. I started a short story, read a lot of my book and encountered some interesting characters.

When I got home I talked with Tavi for a bit. She was heading out for the night and I didnt feel like sitting around by myself so I went to the store. I like going to the store here because I dont have to pay for much and I get to see some friends. I can hang out and talk shit for a while and its not all weird.

I made cookie dough when I got home and listened to stripper music. They don't have a mixer so I did all of it by hand with a spoon. Its a lot of work. The oven is still broken so I didnt bake them. Instead, I formed little cookie dough balls and put them in the freezer.

I think I accidentally ate ground turkey. I was so hungry after cookies that I didnt feel like making a whole dinner. Leftovers are up for grabs here and I was told the rice was vegan. I got all the way through it and on the last bite I realized what I was eating. I was so hungry, I hadn't noticed until then. I felt sick and disappointed.

Fox got home before anyone else and we hung out. I told him about the turkey and the cookie dough. He made fun of me for eating meat and claimed the cookies for himself by hiding them in the back of the freezer.

Tavi came home drunk and cute and Fox and I took care of her until she went to bed.

Friday, October 10th.

I went to a doctors appointment today. We decided I will need treatment in other cities at least for few weeks. It was shitty to hear. My sessions have gone back to being pretty painful like when we started. If this doesn't fix itself soon I might freak out.

I ran into, you guessed it, Fox on the way back to The Mission. He was on his way to deliver a package to Macy's and was going to kill time by wandering around. I passed on the chance to follow a real courier through the city and went home.

Getting up early is really great sometimes. By 10am I had made breakfast, rode across town and back, been to Dr. appointments, and a slough of other things. The hard part is actually dragging my ass out of bed after only four or five hours of sleep.

I finished my book at work before lunch. No One Belongs Here More Than You. Read it. Its short stories by Miranda July. I really liked it. At lunch I walked home and traded it for another book that is just as entertaining.

I was really pumped when I got home today! I was exploding with energy. I made more cookie dough and hung out with Wendy, John, Tavi and Becky. We all ate way too much cookie dough and felt wonderfully sick.

The house is pretty much empty now. Fox and Joe are in Portland for the weekend. Liz went to Fresno with Ryan. Wendy is rarely home and Katie went out drinking. Its nice to have a moment to rest. Friday nights have been really crazy the past few weeks.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Grilled Cheese and boring details...

Sunday, October 5th

Sunday did not turn out the way I had expected. I went to make cookies. The oven was broken so I couldn't. Bummer. I went to the store anyway and ended up getting a lot of really yummy healthy food. But instead of eating that when I got home, I made vegan grilled cheese sandwiches and listened to the second half of the Big Broadcast. It was a nice change of pace! Fox listened with me for a while and we talked about all sorts of things when it was over. I made him grilled cheese and ate another one while we hung out.

Sam and I had agreed to meet up when she got off of work to go dumpstering. This city is the best for it!!! We went to a bread dumpster that is only a block away from the Hampshire house. Rainbow Grocery is the best for produce and vegan/vegetarian goods. We got three blocks of tofu, salsa, veggies, fruit.... It was amazing!!

When I got back to the house I ate yet another grilled cheese sandwich with Fox. We talked some more and then went to bed.

**Note on Fox: This guy is one of the most amazing individuals I have met thus far! He is totally socially awkward and really into some fake hate. Under other circumstances, I would not like this in someone. Fox on the other hand has a strangely comforting presence. Liz agrees with me. He is great.

Monday, October 6th

When I got up I talked with Joe for a while. Its funny that I pretty much live with him and see him the least. We talked about my crazy weekend and silly adventures and things of that nature. I think Joe is one of the craziest people I have ever met. Ever.

I biked up to my doctors appointment and ended up being half an hour early. I talked to Jake in that time and wandered around Balboa (I think thats what the neighborhood is called...). My session was really intense and we are back to two a week because my body sucks and wont heal. Rad.

I also bought a new phone that day. So now you can all call and text me again if you'd like!

I made my way to China Town. I think I am the only person in the city that likes China Town. I mean other than the Chinese folk and the tourists. I wandered around, ate vegetable hum bow. If your ever here and want really good, cheap hum bow, go to a place called Moon Cake Bakery. They are AMAZING!!! Hum bow is only 65 cents a roll. They make outrageous claims about being the first Chinese bakery, being the best and only. "we are the first, only, original, Chinese bakery!" They even have pictures of Bill Clinton on the wall. I also like China Town because its filled with crazy shit. Who can argue with insane toys and fireworks?

I lost my glasses in the park up there and didn't realize until I was miles away. I had to walk all the way back. They were sitting in the grass in the park. It was really luck that I found them at all.

All that walking put me in a bad mood so I went to Rainbow and got a bunch of shitty baked goods to pig out on.

The ladies at the Hampshire house were having a potluck when I got home. I was grumpy but eventually came around. Lucky timing too. I was just in time to see Emma, Becky, Liz and Tavi get into a food fight with pie. Great! They were covered in it!

They all showered together and made a mess of the bathroom. I really like it here.

Tuesday, October 7th

I got up and made the best Tofu scramble ever!!! Brussel sprouts, vegan cheese, broccoli, chard, carrots, onion...

I ate with Liz and we talked about sex industries, I seem to have this conversation a lot (wait, I think I said that before), Fox and the craziness last night!

Liz is also amazing. I am just going to go with all women with the name Elizabeth are great. I have yet to meet a bad one. My grandmother is named Elizabeth and she is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. My friend Elizabeth is also an amazing person. Liz is great though. We are going to go to the LustyLady together before I leave!

I finally went to MoMa. It was underwhelming (can you ever just be whelmed...? I think you can in Europe). Most floors were closed but the ones that were open were great.
Sam was having a bad day so we bussed to Maggie Mudd's for ice cream!

That waffle Sunday you should see below is a picture of it!! marshmallow topping, sprinkles, nuts, a cherry. Your all so jealous right now!

More Pictures

Folsom Street Fair Pictures

Sutro Baths Pictures

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Your too smart to breed

I just want to make a quick note about my phone before I get started.
My wonderful phone has stood the test of time, until now. Its been all over the county. Through many meaningful and meaningless relationships, in air planes and cars and on my bike and now, after this past week, I think its had it.

I have dropped my phone a countless number of times. The screen was cracked before I left but now its almost so bad I cant text. I have spilled everything from water to juice to beer on my phone. It was stolen the other night, however briefly, and some terrible texts were sent. I'm not sure who all got them or even what they said but just know, it wasn't me. The screen was fine before she got a hold of it but I think I must have pissed her off and her retaliation was to abuse my phone.

Needless to say, my phone privileges are quite limited. I dont really want to get a new one, since I can only use it until January but not having a phone at this point would greatly reduce the amount of fun I could have.

Anyway. Fun times....

Wednesday, October 1st.

I had a doctors appointment and thought it would be nice to ride my bike. Whatever people in this city say is mostly flat, isn't. "Take Polk all the way up. Its mostly flat and the quickest route." Yes, it was quick but not flat. There weren't any giant SF famous hills to climb but it still wasn't flat.

I got there sweaty and hungry.

When I was finished I had almost two hours to kill before I had to be to work so I took the Embarcadero all the way around the city. Its a great way to start the day! I really liked getting so much exercise so early in the day!

My day was going well until I started to feel sick. Instead of going out that evening, I went to the store got some soup and went back to the Hampshire house. I sat in my sleeping bag and watched Dirty Dancing and passed out.

It was so nice to be able to sleep for so long. I haven't done that in a while.

Thursday, October 2nd.

Phil called me! It was so nice to wake up to a call from a friend. He wanted my apple pie recipe. I ended up talking to Naomi for a lot longer than Phil while I walked to work.

I like getting places early now. It gives me time to sit around and read. Some guy that works next door got confused and asked if I had been sitting there all day.
Sam the boy stopped by while I was working. I was in a weird mood and I think I was being really dismissive. Oops.

I had made plans with Ken and Sam the girl to go to a Potato Potluck that night. I was really excited to go, although, 20lbs of cooked potatoes doesn't seem as appealing. They were running late and canceled. I had already gotten two pints of ice cream and soy whip to go with the sweet potato pie they made. I didnt want it to go to waste so I went out to Oakland. We all ate way too much pie and ice cream and felt sick afterward.

Ken and I discussed zines and such for a while and he somehow convinced me to follow up on the zine I had planned to write a while a go. Ken can do that. He gets me pumped about things that I don't usually have any interest in.

Friday, October 3rd.

Oh, the joys of work! Time just drags on in that place. I like it. I get to work on my zine, read and become a solitaire pro. Plus I get paid! I had agreed to go with Ken to an Art Walk event in Oakland that night. -- I'm not really sure why. I don't usually agree with that sort of thing. Celebrating the gentrification of a community isn't generally my jam. But whatevs.

When I got off of work Chas text me to see what I was up to. I met him and Joe at a bar down the street. We talked and I drank and it was a gay time. Some asshole friend of theirs showed up and kept making really sexist and racist jokes to me and another woman there, who happened to be black. It was really uncomfortable and I couldn't wait to leave.

When I finally did get out of there I was late to meet Ken. The ride on BART was amusing to say the least. There were these girls dressed up like zombies, in stripper clothes, getting trashed. They were trying to have an intellectual conversation about Chuck Palahniuk and gentrification. Mind you, these had nothing to do with one another, but they were talking about it at the same time. One of the girls was screaming about doing crack and how it brought her closer to the black community around her. She is white. She is drunk. And she has no fucking clue how offensive this is.

When I finally got to Ken,I felt terrible. He was sitting alone against a wall in a crowd of people. I thought he had been with friends. I let him vent about his day and evening before we decide to leave. I brought up my feelings about the art walk and he agreed. Not that its any better or worse than the influx of white kids in general.

We rode around looking for Ken's frineds house. There was supposed to be a show. By this time we are both drunk and I dont know Oakland at all. Then in started to sprinkle. Nothing too bad but I was definately getting wet. We were officially lost. We figured out we were in industrial West Oakland. And now it was not just raining, it was pouring. I was soaked! It was not looking good at all. We thankfully found some hipster kid who was going to the place we were trying to find.

When we got to the The Ghost Town Space, we both looked pathetic. Sopping wet. It was no fun.

There was a show at the gallery and tons of hipster kids. I hate to admit it, I fit in. I met this girl Kyra. She is super rad. I really like her. I need to call her.
Anyway, my night at this point gets hazy. I danced with Kyra and the band played the Muppet Babies Theme song and I know we got a ride home with Ken's friend Kate.

I hate to admit it but I dont have much memory of the night. Bad News. I ate pie at the house with Ken and managed to change out of my still soaking we clothes.

Somewhere in all of this is where my phone was taken.

Saturday, October 4th.

After going to bed after 3am you would think I would sleep late. No. I was up at 9:30am and would give anything for a glass of water. Ken was already up and made us oatmeal. We sat around for a while and then I drew pictures on the chalk board while Ken made pancakes.

I had to go to a laundromat to dry my clothes. Everything except my shorts were still wet. So here I am, in my super short AA shorts running down to the the corner to dry everything.

Ken had given me a book to read. No One Belongs Here More Than You. Its really good! I have read almost half already.

I didn't want to go back into the city because I was supposed to go to a punk show that night and there was a parade happening so BART would be way too crowded. I wandered around Downtown Oakland, made an appointment at Temple Tattoo and ate really really bad Vietnamese food. The place was actually the equivalent to Vegetarian House but not good. I went to Lake Merritt to read for a bit but it was cold and that lake is the most disgusting lake I have ever encountered.

I called Jake and started my 4 mile walk back to Ken's. When I got there we made mashed potatoes and ate way too much. Ken's friend Sam, yes this is the third, invited us to a house show. We decided to go to that instead of the punk show. When I got there I wanted to die, just a little. It was an anarchist folk punk show. I don't generally like crust punks, and I really don't like folk punk. I tried my best to make the best of it but it just wasnt happening. I was in my purple hoodie and light blue ReLoad bag with a big purple moose sewn on the back. I was not hip for this bunch. I actually think I was the only person wearing a bright color. I couldnt hack it. I went back to Ken's house. Sam the girl was up and we sat on the couch in the kitchen and ate ice cream and pie. When we ran out of that we started eating soy whip by the spoonful. I know, gross. But so good!! We vegged out and had "girl talk" and laughed until it hurt.

By midnight we were both feeling sick and she went to bed. I stayed up for a bit and read while listening to the Star Wars soundtrack. It was rad!!

Sunday, October 5th.

Not much going on today. I sat on the roof with Ken and Sam for a while. Then I came back to the city. I want to make cookies. I don't want to spend the money to actually buy the ingredients. If Sam the boy or PJ is working it might not be a problem.... We will see!

I promise, pictures soon!