Im an Emo Girl....

I suppose I should do this now when I still can and dont have to pay for it.

Barcelona has had its ups and downs since I got here. I have made friends, potentially lost friends, been bored to tears, been tired as all hell, excited about people\places\things, tried to relate and had so much fun I could puke. Its all a lot to process in a few short days.

I always (now) try my best to make friends with people. Not to just play nice but to actually get to know people and to create some kind of connection. Sometimes people dont want to cooperate and that is fine. And sometimes it just doesnt work. Its just a bummer when I am left in the dark and dont know what to contribute to a situation, there by making things much worse for everyone.

I know this is all very vague and probably doesnt mean anything to any of you but I want to put it out there anyway.

On top of all of that, Im feeling like a lot of people in my life have expectations for me that I just cant live up to right now. I am not in a place to commit to anything. I need my space and time to think but it feels like everyone wants a little peice of me. I dont know what I have to offer anyone anymore and Im not sure if I want anyone offering anything to me. The point is, I feel completely distanced from everyone and everything. I dont want to hold anything close anymore because its just going to change or Im going to leave or somewhere along the way it will get complicated and wont be fun anymore.

I miss my friends. I know I say that all the time but its true. I miss being around people who already know me. I had a dream last night about going back to DC. Everyone was hanging out at T street when I got there. I hugged Welch, maurine, Nassif, Flynn, Trey, Tina, Redbeard, Phloomis and so many other people. I was SO happy to see everyone. We all just sat around and drank rootbeer and told stories and had a wonderful time. I woke myself up laughing. I love and miss everyone very much!

Its funny to think about what other people think of my life. Everyone says 'oh it must be so nice, you never have to worry about bills and work! I wish I could do that!' I never know what to say to that...

They are right to a certain degree. I dont worry about paying the water bill or rent. I dont worry about getting up for work or school on time but I still have stress. I still feel down sometimes. There are days when I just want to quit and go home to my mom and never leave the house again.

I appreciate the life and opportunities I have, please dont get me wrong but its still hard to get through the days when I feel like crap. Its still my life and I have the same habits and tendencies I always had back in Portland.

My life isnt any better or worse than anyone else I know, its just very different. So when I get bummed out, or just want to vent or talk about the things that bother me(like now), please dont email me telling me I should be greatful or that your life sucks and mine doesnt. This is one of the only places I can vent to my friends and family without paying out the ass.

On another note:

This evening I will be shooting another set for SG with Mr. DiazArri. He is a wonderful photographer and I just know the images will turn out well! I have a few hours to kill before meeting him and I just dont know what to do with myself.

There are a few errands I need to run but I just dont feel like doing them. I would be content to just sit in the sun and relax but Im already red and my skin is dry from Morocco. My SPF 70 isnt working very well and the last thing I want is a sunburn.

Ruth and I are going out tomorrow! I am very excited about this. She is one of Julio's coworkers and she is fantastic. She is one of those people who is really happy everytime you see her but isnt annoying about it. I wish I could have hungout with her and a few other people sooner because Im leaving soon but there's always next year when I come back to Europe!

Another thing I am excited about: My mother has mentioned wanting to come meet me somewhere in the fall or winter! It would be so nice to see her and\or Mamo again, even for a few days. Im not sure where Ill be or where she wants to go but its exciting to think about!